grown

by dschapman

you grow yourself up and one day you realize it. sometimes you stay the same and you realize that too by anecdotal day-to-day evidence. in my desperate youth i spent my summer afternoons on my windows ninety-five, the rustic bahamut, weaving her software in and out of folders full of midi files and fifteen kilobyte stories. i also downloaded computer games.  in those days we had dial-up, and so we downloaded at a few kilobytes per second, but even so i’d have it spaced out between eight or nine cheap freeware computer games, from the dirty down-under 8-bit websites in the crummy butter-fingered saturday night tunnels of the internet. i had hundreds of games i’d gotten for free, some a few hundred kilobytes some maybe a megabyte, lining the rows of my categorized folders like neatly shelved videos in a library. then one day i grew up. i realized adulthood and it shot through me like a spike. i bled from every limb. well… here i am. and it is saturday afternoon and my life it seems has stayed the same – it’s after class and before i cook dinner – and i am reclining while torrent a few hundred gigabytes of films and multi-billion dollar computer game productions.  i think about how i’ve matured and how i’ve stagnated. i am beyond my wildest childhood achievements… i couldn’t have understood even the most basic torrent, having to mount a disk file or cracking a code. everything was managed in zip folders cut up algebraically into simple one-by-one steps, and i sometimes had to wade but my short little legs could wade forever. now it’s a thick sea of data and erroneous zones, but i control the seas, and it’s simple power. i watch the information fall in numbers like the matrix. just a few computer games to play. my times more valuable of course all our time is but it’s not a bad past time, a few hours now and then and then you win and you are satisfied until a few weeks when you’re bored again and so you play a few hours.

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