Semiconductor Fabrication Plant
Verlassen, verlassen, verlassen bin ich…
I am convinced that I have already ruined my chance at a good life. I was given many chances at a wonderful future and I, too idealistic, too dangerous, dismissed them as mere superstition. I chose, instead, for the severest distinction, a true separation of self and other-than, and I paid for my hubris with my blood. The blood was drunk straight from my skin, my limbs were twisted from their joints like bottle caps cast aside by thirsty hands and their mouths were placed right to my red, broken arteries.
Which is not to say that I was not paid in full price for my blood – I was very well paid. I was given the gift of awareness. It is all that I have now – my awareness. And in its way, it makes up for the rest of the world – for the universe from which I’ll forever be found wanting. I do not have my health, nor a future, nor lovers or friends. I have only awareness, selfish and possessive. I feel like a man with a bushel of apples, but I am sick to death of apples. There is really no one is on my side, now – no, not even I. I least of all, because I am the one most aware of the mortal condition. Even love itself has forsaken me; I am incapable of love. All talk of God has been long since forgotten. I have been bled, the espers have been fed from me, and then I was put back into one piece and thrown back into the world, the very same world that had so nearly killed me, so that I might recover, with the intention of bleeding me once again. When the blood had been restored to me, they will come feed again, and this time, they will harvest my organs, too.
A war is being waged across the world. As lost as men may once have been, they have never been more lost than now. Every year we slip further away from our soft understandings, fragile and thin, and into the inwardly receding folds of a changing, baseless human base. Our pillars are erected on quicksand, and into the quicksand have past pillars fallen. Even the prospect of immortality has been abandoned. Our dreams are worn thin before the dreamers even get to them, and even the trees are beginning to seem just as sentient. The animal kingdom has no true throne, and the crown has been shattered into infinite pieces, lost in the snowy flurry of atoms, leaping like a bounce of light around a steadily expanding curvature. The distance between victory and defeat has been shrinking. The spectrum of light is descending, again and again, in bounteous waves up and down from the bottom, in the empty crepuscular pond into which all used and tired light splashes into and out from.
I, too, have committed great sins. When I atoned for them, I was led into sad conversations, and I ended them all with confessions. This brought me into more settled waters, and to greater seriousness. I consulted the philosopher of poets and composers, playwrights and novelists, the loner in the mountains of snow, looking old, and I asked him what I could do for the world, with my thoughts and my powers, how I could, at the very least, learn to live decently. I have decided to live decently from now on, no matter what it takes from me. I was given no response, because the old man was dead. The philosophers have all died off, they said. But I didn’t need to ask a philosopher; I have confessed, and am the source of my own exoneration. I felt settled, and serious. I was ready to take up the mantel of decency.
The future is nearer than ever before; the sun’s grown so bright that we can’t even stare at it. The computers are more powerful than ever. Soon, the world will be fully computerized, and mankind will become a part of the ether, manufacturing the etherized life of divine computations, the binary rule of the new quantum universe re-aligning path of reality. When the reality of knowledge and light that is man has been finished, then the legend of God will become actualized, and the domain of mankind indisputably established. The crescent reign spinning soundly in place, generating electricity; the hour of the ash and steel is upon us, and the values of the past are dead. The world is new and power-hungry. We are vapid and extravagant, and deserving nothing less than everything. In the end, we will get nothing.